Wednesday, January 12, 2005

On a Personal Note...

I usually refrain from hanging my dirty laundry out in this blog. I like that this blog is so tightly focused on death and dying. And the personal stuff I'm about to post is closely related to that subject, however I think you'll agree there is a slightly different slant to this post.

I have been feeling very down lately.

I think it's partly due to my grandmother's strokes. I did call her that day, by the way. She sounded much better on the phone than I'd expected. It turns out that her motor impairment is limited to the fine motor skills in her right hand. So although she can't write anymore, she is able to move that arm (so hopefully she'll have no trouble dancing, though I still don't imagine she'll be making it to Argentina). Her voice has improved, but her memory is shot. I feel mostly relieved, after having talked to her. Though I am still worried. I know she won't be with us forever, but it suddenly feels like the clock is ticking louder.

And then there is school... I am really struggling trying to muster up some enthusiasm. Part of the dredge of it is that my interest is in end of life, but that is not a specialty at the school I am going to. So I am studying Oncology. And I am frustrated to get so little education on death and dying so far. I did register for an elective class on death and dying this quarter. However, so far, the class sounds like it's going to be far below my learning level. I worry I won't learn anything at all. It's just very frustrating.

S keeps telling me to hang tight. She's reminded me that when I got my RN, I didn't have any idea what types of nursing would inspire me and perhaps this program will have some pleasant surprises in it as well. I guess we'll see.

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